SARAH PALIN, LET’S GET MARRIED

I was in it for the long haul last time. Just like Hillary. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out so well and I guess it turns out she didn’t need my help after all. I mean, Secretary of State is like 5 heartbeats away? Don’t worry Hillary, even though you ignored my advances I’m not bitter. I wish all the best for you and your lightning rod … I mean husband.

So where do I go from here? I mean, once you ask a presidential primary candidate for the Democratic party to get married, what’s left? Who could possibly have the courage, the vision, the brains and the beauty to trump Hillary Clinton?

I think you all know the answer. I certainly do.

Governor Sarah Palin, will you please marry me?

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DISCUSSES SARAH PALIN’S FUTURE IN POLITICS

As you can see, I definitely find ambitious women a turn-on. Some guys get off on being handcuffed. Not me. I get off on being in the same bed with a woman who has the launch codes for the world’s largest nuclear arsenal. So if we get married I fully expect for you to get back on that presidential dogsled and ride all the way to victory in 2012.

It’s going to be a long, hard race, so let’s talk strategy.

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS TO LET SARAH PALIN BORROW SOME OF HIS MAGAZINES OR TEACH HER HOW TO USE THE INTERNET TO READ THE NEWS

First of all, I remember that there as an issue with that stupid cow from the gotcha media getting a bit too nosy about how you stay informed. Apparently they don’t consider the Wasilla Frontiersman a triple-A news source. Well have no fear. I know how we can take care of this. I happen to have gotten a free subscription to Newsweek when I became a member of my local NPR station.

Now I know what you must be thinking: Hold on there big fella, you are saying to yourself, I can’t go consorting with no namby-pamby NPR-listening tree-humping bleeding heart socialist!

First of all, FEEL FREE TO CALL ME BIG FELLA WHENEVER YOU LIKE.

Secondly, I will admit that I am a member of NPR. But trust me Governor Palin, I am only doing this as part of a much larger plan to infiltrate the liberal ranks and take them down from the inside. (The next step in my plan involves going into the local county Democratic Party offices and switching all of their recycled paper with 100% pre-consumer product. Then after I wait a couple of months for them to use all that brand new paper, I’ll write them a note telling them what I’ve done. The guilt will cause them to asphyxiate themselves in the non-biodegradable plastic bags I will have provided with the note.)

So, uhm, anyway, when I joined NPR, I got a free subscription to Newsweek. HERE’S THE DEAL. I’m going to let you borrow these old Newsweek magazines. I say “old” because my subscription expired about three months ago, but I still have a whole year’s worth of these news magazines just sitting around. But old news is better than no news, right? Just remember, George Bush isn’t the president anymore and Lindsay Lohan (bless her heart) is now a lesbian.

If you’re not satisfied with that arrangement, I can also show you how to get news off of the computer. I know they weren’t big on computers in the McCain campaign, but I CAN MAKE THEM WORK FOR YOU. Did you know you can get news from a computer? For free even, which is good since you need to spend your money on more important things.

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMMENDS SARAH PALIN ON HER CHOICE OF PRESS CONFERENCE BACKDROPS

Sarah, I just want to say that I really admire the fact that you will take an interview in front of a man slaughtering a turkey:

It really shows a lot of down-home guts. Literally. So here’s what I am thinking. From now on, any time that you are interviewed, we should have an animal slaughtered in the background. For example, the next time that you get interviewed we can be outdoors again and I can take a shotgun to some unlucky squirrels in the tree behind you. We can even time it so the little bastards will fall out of the trees at strategic moments to emphasize your key points about maverickosity and fiscal responsitude.

We should also look at drawing it out thematically. For example, when you have to do a stump speech about how the Democrats are only interested in pork-barrel projects, we can slaughter a whole pig during the speech on the platform behind you. If your speech is long enough we can even fire up the barbecue and hand out ribs to all the liberal journalists. Nothing wins votes like fresh barbecue, I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.

SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ASSURES SARAH THAT HE WILL “TAKE CARE” OF TODD

So I know you’re already married to this guy Todd. That’s cool. You gave him a shot at marriage and what I imagine was a holy-ghost inspired romp in the sack at least four and a half times. But I think he’s really had his chance. Don’t worry about him. I’ll take care of it the next time his snowmobile is in the shop. I’ve been reading up about snowmobile brake systems, and trust me, Todd won’t stand in our way much longer.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMPLIMENTS SARAH PALIN FOR LOOKING LIKE TINA FEY

So, Governor Palin. I have a HUGE CRUSH on Tina Fey. I have to admit this to you; I mean if we’re going to get married we should be honest about things like this right up front. I think Tina Fey is an amazingly beautiful, talented and funny woman. She is one of my “gold standards” of potential mate-hood. So what I’m saying is, it doesn’t hurt that you look a lot like her. You might not be Tina Fey, but you’re close. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH A SILVER MEDAL, MADAME VICE PRESIDENT... I MEAN GOVERNOR.

SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DISCUSSES THE NAMES OF ANY FUTURE CHILDREN HE MAY HAVE WITH GOVERNOR PALIN

I’ve noticed that you and Todd like to name children after single-engine aircraft. And while your relationship with Todd will have to end, I don’t see any reason why this tradition should! I think that for our four and a half children we should expand our horizons a bit more. Instead of just looking at single-engine prop aircraft for inspiration we should support our troops and take some keys from military aircraft as well. I have put together the following graphic with some helpful suggestions:

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR EXPRESSES HIS COMMON INTEREST WITH SARAH PALIN IN AUTOMATIC WEAPONRY AND SUGGESTS IT BE INTEGRATED INTO THEIR MARITAL BLISS

There might be some younger folks out there reading this so I don’t want to get into details. But the only thing I think that is more sexy than pillow talk about thermonuclear war is some foreplay and roleplay using automatic weapons. I know you get hot about this kind of thing too. Just look at what it could be like:

OH MY GOD THAT IS SO SEXY. I AM READY TO DRILL BABY DRILL.

SECTION EIGHT: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO SARAH FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

Now it’s your turn for a SUPER PERSONAL GIFT Governor. Sometimes I think people don’t really appreciate what they already have, and because of that I’ve picked out an extremely appropriate gift for you:

Yup, SNOW! I know you probably have a lot of it already…but can you ever have enough? Not really. Not if you’re still living in ALASKA!

SECTION NINE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO SARAH PALIN

Sarah, you are at a pivotal point in your career as a politician and as a hockey mom. You’ve taken some lumps and you might be down, but you are not out! All you need to do is to put your collar back on, smear on a new shade of lipstick, and get started with a brand new family built around a strapping young man like yours truly. For the good of yourself, the future C-17 Globemaster Palin, and the United States of America, you know how you have to answer the following question.

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

HILLARY CLINTON, LET'S GET MARRIED!

So more than a year and a little positive feedback from a stranger later, I've decided to get back on the horse (the one I, as the Italian Stallion, ride in a fit of metaphorical redundancy) and pick up the baton I unceremoniously dropped over a year ago.

You know, I think I was just so broken up about Alanis never getting back to me. That's right, even though I furnished 21 perfectly logical reasons we should be wed I never heard a peep. I even tried to friend her on Facebook, but I was met with deafening silence. Not since I sent my first message to that MySpace girl with her very own Webcam have I clicked the "refresh" button so furiously while staring at my Inbox.

But that's the past. And knowing Alanis like I do (or don't, seeing as how things turned out) it's time to move on once again.

---

So after pining for the queen of disaffected teenage girls the world over for a year, who can I possibly move on to? Who has the beauty, charisma, the talent, the fame and the power to assuage the grief of my unrequited love? If you answered "Zooey Deschanel," you'd be right. But I can't do two female vocalists in a row.

In fact, there is one other candidate for my present affections. You could say she's the primary focus of my attention and there's nothing democratic about the process of my thoughts. So, Hillary Rodham Clinton, please marry me!

Dear Hillary,
I know you're busy trying to get pre-elected and loaning yourself millions of dollars. I can sympathize with that kind of schedule. But it's (hammer)time to stop and think for a few minutes about your situation.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR TRIES TO CONVINCE HILLARY THAT MARRYING SOMEONE WHO IS 1/3 HER AGE WILL HELP WIN OVER IMPORTANT DEMOGRAPHIC(S)

Maybe what your campaign needs is a fresh face. A face that is about 3 times more fresh than yours. Now, I've played the age card before, so I won't dwell on the age difference too much other than to say that if you want to recapture the youth vote, then marrying a strapping young guy in his mid 20s is probably the best way to get it! My also-young friend working in IT but who has a bachelor's degree in history agrees with me. I'm guessing he agrees, I didn't actually ask him.

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMMENDS HILLARY ON THE CONSTRUCTION OF HER DECK AND ASKS HER IF PLAYING THE RACE CARD MORE THAN ONCE IN AN ELECTION IS SANCTIONED BY WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Speaking of playing cards, I know you like to play the race card a lot.

That seems like a pretty powerful card, is it a rare? Did you have to buy a lot of booster packs to find so many copies? I thought you could only play it once per election, but maybe there are house (or Senate) rules I'm unaware of.

But anyway, it seems to be working really well. Maybe once we're married you can show me some of your killer strats! I'm interested in how to use the Elitist, Annie Oakley, Experience and Alcohol cards as well.

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES HIS ABILITY TO DODGE BULLETS

So it occurs to me that after we're married and you've become the first female president of the United States (for the second time) you're going to need to make sure that you have someone with you who can dodge bullets as well as you can. Trust me Hillary, I've never been hit by sniper fire in real life. I've never even had a sniper rifle pointed at me (that I know of!)

SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMPARES HIMSELF WITH HILLARY'S CURRENT HUSBAND WHAT'S-HIS-FACE

Yeah, I'm totally better than that guy. I think I remember what he looks like. Kinda tall? Gray hair? Doesn't he have something to do with the government? Not anymore? Well I work for the government too, you know I'm employed by a regional state university. I manage their whole Web site. I don't think whatever he's got going is or was better than that.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS HIS SERVICES AS A WEB DESIGNER TO HELP HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN

OH! So there's something I could totally help out with, FOR SERIOUS. I'm good at designing things, and art and stuff. I bet you could use my help with your campaign Web site. I'm not even kidding like I was about the bullets. That was just hyperbole. But really I am good at design.

So let's take a look at your site:

Hmm... It looks pretty OK, I guess. But you know, in my professional opinion, I don't think three CONTRIBUTE buttons are enough. I think the design principle of repetition will really serve your (our!) cause well here. Check out a quick comp I threw together:

So look at that. Now instead of only 3 places for people to give you money, there are 9! Nine buttons, that's like 3 times the number of CONTRIBUTE buttons you had before, and will at least triple, if not cube your campaign's income rate. Maybe if I had been around sooner you wouldn't have to keep giving yourself those loans, eh?

SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO HILLARY FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

So I've been thinking about what I can offer you. You're rich, successful, powerful, what does a woman like that need? What does a woman like that want?

Then it hit me: PIXIE STICKS. You've been having to deal with so many people who are so bitter about everything lately. OBVIOUSLY you would want to have some sweet sugary powder to perk you up when things get tough. So here you go. In fact, I've saved you the trouble of going through individual sticks and just dump the powder right on a table for you. Enjoy, and make sure you don't snort it.

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO HILLARY CLINTON

So being involved in politics you have to recognize a good idea when you see one, right Hillary? I don't know how you can turn down this virile, young, dynamic, creative, spry, tech-savvy young man who just wants to be the President of your heart. What say we take our love all the way to the nominating convention of the nuptial bedroom?

HILLARY CLINTON, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

ALANIS MORISSETTE, LET'S GET MARRIED

Well, I got distracted for a while waiting around for Miranda Otto to get back to me. But the time for waiting is over. We could've conquered the world together Miranda. BUT TOO DARN BAD, SWEETCHEEKS!

This Italian Stallion has left your stable:

---

I'm pretty angry because rejection stings. I though the third time was the charm? Apparently that is a LIE! So naturally I now have a jaded and bitter view of most interpersonal relationships. I am now looking for someone with a similar view...which means my new soul mate is none other than Alanis Morissette!

Hey Alanis,
Let's tie the knot. I mean you've been voicing the romantic frustrations of self-actualized women for at least twelve years now and maybe it's time to settle down with a nice guy like me. This is what it could be like:

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR REVEALS TRUE FACTS ABOUT HIS PAST WHICH ARE ANECDOTALLY RELATED TO ALANIS' HIT SONG "IRONIC."

Alanis, you might get a kick out of this piece of personal history. So in eighth grade I had a girlfriend for two weeks and your hit song "Ironic" was our relationship's anthem!

As to why that was, the truth of the matter is that I had liked her for a while and she told my friend "I think that Thomas likes me" and then she frowned a bit because I was a nice guy but in 8th grade I was kind of chubby. So she was afraid that she would hurt my feelings when she rejected me for Johnny Football.

But it worked out later because eventually she decided that she wanted a boyfriend more than she didn't want to me to be her boyfriend. Everybody won! We decided that it was ironic that she didn't like me but agreed to date me anyway, so we adopted your "Ironic" as "our" song! How we didn't anticipate this as a sign of doom I will never understand.

Of course, after two weeks we didn't really see each other much so it kind of fizzled out. There was no official break-up so I guess that we are still together, technically. But it's cool Alanis, I will officially break up with her for you!

SERIOUSLY, I just found her on Myspace and I can message her in seconds flat.


SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ADDRESSES HIS SUITABILITY FOR ALANIS BASED ON THE CRITERIA OUTLINED IN HER SONG "21 THINGS I WANT IN A LOVER"

1. Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
   Yes, I do. Unless they are douchebags or prefer Pepsi to Coca-Cola products.
   
   
2. Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
   No, in fact, I play by the rules and respect others. Of course there was that time I was mud-wrestling with some other counselors at camp. Uh, does that count?
   
   
3. Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?
   Not to toot my own horn, (toot toot) but I think I am a relatively smart guy. But then I know a lot of people smarter and wiser than me and try to learn from them whenever possible. Like Kermit the frog. That brother is deep.
   
   
4. Do you see everything as an illusion?
   I did for a while after The Matrix came out. But then the sequels came out and I decided that their philosophy was making the movies really crappy, so I moved on.
   
   
5. ...But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
   Uhm...yes? No? Whichever answer you like can go in this box. This test isn't timed, is it? Shit.
   
   
6. Are you both masculine and feminine...
   I have man-parts but sometimes I sit down to pee.
   
   
7. ...Politically aware?
   Yes! I watch The West Wing and listen to NPR all the time. PLUS sometimes I watch CSPAN accidentally.
   
   
8. And don't believe in capital punishment?
   I don't!
   
   
9. Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
   I would qualify falling in love as slightly better than eating a Snicker's Ice Cream bar. While you may think that I am trivilializing love, those who know me will tell you that, for me, eating a Snicker's Ice Cream bar is a very deep and spiritual experience.
   
   
10. Are you funny?
    Mitch Hedberg funny...
    
    
    
    or Crispin Glover funny?
    
    
    
    Please clarify.
    
    
11. Self-deprecating?
    No, I only do that in the toilet!
    
    
12. Like adventure?
    Who doesn't? My favorite type of adventure is Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Close second is Adventures in Babysitting.
    
    
13. ...And have many formed opinions?
    I have certainly formed the opinion that you and I should get freaking married!
    
    
14. Are you uninhibited in bed?
    Well I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I know how to make your bed rock! Hahahaha...I've got a million of those. But seriously, the word on the street is that sex is neat. Word.
    
    
15. More than three times a week?
    What about more than three times a day? Can you even handle it?
    
    
16. Up for being experimental?
    Sure! Labs were the coolest part of Chemistry class.
    
    
17. Are you athletic?
    I have several championship Foosball titles I earned many years ago, but I'm retired now. I still try to stay in shape so I can play a pick-up game now and then, but I'm proud of my career.
    
    
18. Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
    Well I am an only child but if my hypothetical brother went to Southeast Missouri State University and used its Web site then the answer would be "Hell yes!"
    
    
19. Are you not addicted?
    I am not addicted to anything...BUT YOUR LOVE!
    
    
20. Curious?
    I would be very interested to know your opinion on this one.
    
    
21. Communicative?
    I think I'm being pretty darn communicative by filling out this freaking survey! Do you make all of your potential soul-mates do this? GEEZ
    
    

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS ALANIS A GIFT FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE.

So it seems to me that sometimes you get kind of down, and I thought that maybe this was because your diet was missing something...something sweet. So what could be better for that than this super-personal gift I am going to give you for marrying me?

Sugar! Or your artificial sweetener of choice. BECAUSE YOU ARE SO SWEET, ALANIS!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES TO ALANIS WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN HER CURRENT BOYFRIEND.

Actually...according to my sources you don't HAVE a current boyfriend. Hay, wait a second, that's just like my girlfriend from eighth grade! Could you be another victory by default?

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO ALANIS.

Well Alanis, what can I say? On your list of "lover qualifications" I fit at least 19 of the 21. I'd say that's a pretty high score! Also, like the situation with my girlfriend in 8th grade you really don't have any other prospects at the moment... So I recommend that you laugh, you learn, and that we tie the knot!

ALANIS MORISSETTE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

MIRANDA OTTO, LET'S GET MARRIED

Hey everyone, I know it has been a little while since the last proposal. I was giving Lindsay some extra time because she obviously needed it. But time has run out and now I have to retire the golden phone that was waiting for Lindsay's acceptance call:

Sorry Lindsay...BUT YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!

Now I know a lot of you were dismayed last time because I picked Lindsay. The consensus was that she was a poor wife-choice. Well, I have listened to your comments and decided to go with a completely different kind of gal. So different she's not even from the same continent! Can you guess who it is? Why, you're right, I'm asking Miranda Otto to marry me!

---

Dear Miranda,
Most of my friends know you from a mildly successful trilogy of films called The Lord of the Rings. You played warrior-babe Eowyn of Rohan. I have to admit that was when I first saw you, too, and I liked what I saw! I liked you so much that I am pretty sure we should get married.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR PRAISES MIRANDA FOR HER SWORD-WIELDING ABILITIES AND SHAMELESSLY CASHES IN ON THE OBVIOUS INNUENDO

So here is a picture of you wielding a large sword in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

What follows is a dramatic reenactment of the scene referenced in the above image:

EOWYN (spoken with body language): Hey everyone, check out my lithe sword-wielding frame!

ARAGORN: You've some skill with a blade.

THOMAS: I'll say!

Ok so I wasn't really in the movie. But that's what I would've said had I been there. Or maybe since the movie was set in olden times I would've said something more like this:

EOWYN (spoken with body language): Hey everyone, check out my lithe sword-wielding frame!

ARAGORN: You've some skill with a blade.

THOMAS: Indeed! Aragorn speaks the truth, for your motions demonstrate a deadly grace that is not to be underestimated by even the fiercest of foes!

Also, your feminine qualities cannot be ignored and neither can the emasculating implications of a dainty woman such as yourself handling a giant bladed instrument. Verily, I find the image of one as beautiful as yourself holding a deadly sword very compelling and am aware of the possible Freudian overtones!

Also, WATCH OUT FOR THAT ORC RIDING A WOLF!

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR REALIZES THAT MIRANDA PROBABLY DOESN'T DRESS UP LIKE A MEDIEVAL WOMAN ALL THE TIME...DAMN!

So, as cool as you are when you wield swords and wear old tyme dresses and armor, Google showed me that sometimes you don't do all that stuff. Sometimes you dress normally for a modern person:

I'm OK with this development. I was more excited about our pending (and dare I say certain) marriage when I thought I'd be sharing my life with a real-life shield maiden of Rohan. This whole "present day" look is growing on me, though. But I am pretty sure I'll still only let you bathe once or twice a month. HOPE THAT IS COOL WITH YOU.


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA UNITED STATES CITIZENSHIP

So you're from Australia? Do you get to do a lot of sword fighting there? Because I can guarantee that your skill with a bladed weapon is in veryI high demand in the state of Missouri. And guess what, if you marry me I come with a free Green Card. No worries about a work visa or the border patrol, you've got an instant in, Miranda...Instant in.


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA ANOTHER GIFT FOR HER (SWORD) HAND IN MARRIAGE

Well, a greeting card is not all that you get! If you decide to become my warrior-bride you will also receive a hand-picked, super personal gift. It is perfect for you:

Can you tell what it is? Yes, it is the ground-up remains of the bones of your enemies! You can mix it with salt to ruin their farmland after your (I should say our) conquering armies of Rohirrim crush their armies under boot and hoof. IT WILL BE SUPER SWEET AND TOTALLY ROMANTIC.


SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES TO MIRANDA WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN HER HUSBAND.

How is your husband, Peter O'Brien, doing? Is he doing as awesome as I am? No? Well then why the HECK are you still married to him? I think we can forgo the formal argument on this point: Thomas Marrone is more awesome than Peter O'Brien.

And why would you want to be married to someone who is obviously less awesome than someone who also wants to marry you? The answer is that you wouldn't. Logic, Miranda. They teach logic in Australia, right?


SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR NEEDLESSLY REFERENCES AN INANE BIT OF STAR TREK MINUTIAE

Hey, you know what's cool about your name, Miranda? No, not that it's in a Shakespeare play. The cool thing is that there is a starship type with the same name.

It looks like this:

What follows is a re-enactment of a conversation that has yet to take place:

THOMAS: Is that awesome or what?

MIRANDA: IT IS MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME!

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MIRANDA

Miranda, I think it's pretty obvious that we should get married because I would only expect you to bathe once or twice a month. Also, you would get to kill as many wild men and orcs as you wanted, and there are plenty of both of those things in Southeast Missouri, where I live. And you know that I am doing more awesome than your current husband, so what is the hold up?

Please, MIRANDA OTTO, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

LINDSAY LOHAN, LET'S GET MARRIED!

Unfortunately, I haven't heard back from Maggie yet. There are, however, lots of proverbial fish left in the proverbial sea so it's time to move proverbially (word?) on. This week's installment is none other than OMG!HOTTIE!! Lindsay Lohan.

---

Dear Lindsay,

Wow, I don't really know where to start. I AM SOOO NERVOUS! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule of drinking, drugs, and not showing up for work to read this letter.

I want to start out by saying that I am A HUGE FAN of how you (used to) look. The first time I noticed you was as the babe on the desktop of one of my friend's computers. And it went something like this:

HOT TIP: Click on the picture if you're a dude!

Now some might say that picture is of questionable taste, especially with the unidentified man-foot in the background. NOT ME LINDSAY! I respect you for taking a "liberated" view of life. Liberated from societal norms and expectations, liberated from a healthy diet and self image, and most importantly, liberated from personal responsibility! HECK YES you are awesome.

I respect you so much that I am going to list the ways in which you are more cool than your arch-rival for the affections of boy-band sensation Aaron Carter.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR LISTS THE WAYS THAT LINDSAY LOHAN IS MORE COOL THAN HILLARY DUFF.

1. The first way you are more cool than Hillary Duff is your last name. Lohan is a better last name than Duff because it has more syllables. WE DO NOT QUESTION MATH.
   
   
2. The second way you are more cool than Hillary is that you are not blond. Or rather, at you have probably not been blond more often than you have been blond. Not that I don't like blond girls, but red hair trumps blond hair in all the chauvinistic blond jokes I've ever heard.
   
   
3. Thirdly, you have starred in a movie based on an NPR radio show. Hillary Duff has not.
   
   
4. Finally, Hillary's middle name is "Erhard." Your middle name is "Dee". There have been no actors in any of the Star Wars movies with the middle name "Erhard."
   
   

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR CLAIMS THAT HE LOVES LINDSAY "FOR HER BRAINS" J/K...LOL!


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS LINDSAY SOME COCAINE TO "HELP GET HER MIND OFF OF THINGS"

So I know that you've had some troubles in the past with alcohol and weight management.

The root of these troubles lie in the extreme amounts of unwanted pressure applied to you by the media and your legions of fans. I wouldn't worry, though. Pressure can turn shit into a diamond. Or it can just turn it in to more tightly packed shit.

But never you mind about all that because I am about to give you the solution to all your problems:

Cocaine! Consider it a super personal gift from me, the adoring suitor to you, his beloved future crack-fiend trophy wife.

It will help keep the weight down and will keep your mind off of your fans and the media because you'll be so crazy for the nose candy...it sounds like a WIN-WIN-WIN to me!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATTING THAN FOOT DUDE

So, Lindsay, the latest gossip says that you might be dating Jude Law. I am not interested in rumors, though. I only trade in facts. And facts are right now I'm looking at a picture of you in bed with a disembodied foot.

Are you really THAT weird? I mean, whatever floats your boat Lindsay, but I think that I am a better candidate than foot dude. The reason? Because there is more to me than just a foot!

Indeed, I have a whole body, including my appendix and tonsils. Foot dude doesn't even have thighs or a chest or a face! I have all of these things and more.

I will say that foot dude has a pretty nice left foot for a dude. His left foot might even be nicer than mine...but I have a right foot too! Working class citizens call that steal "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE."

Not convinced? Here's the photographic evidence with labels::

NOTE: My left arm transforms into a plasma cannon when evil robots are near. Also, I do have eyes, shins, and feet, even if they are not labeled in this photo.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO LINDSAY

I realize all this information at once might be a little much for someone as "in demand" as you. Thusly, I have condensed my proposal down to a simple free-form haiku for your consideration:

Formerly hot babe
You escaped from rehab
Let us marry quick

I think that says all I need it to say...

So, please, LINDSAY LOHAN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, LET'S GET MARRIED!

Dear Maggie,
I first noticed you in the movie Stranger than Fiction. Well, OK, I'm pretty sure that's the only thing I've seen you in. But damn, what a good movie. And I'd say 67% of that goodness was because of you.

I liked you so much that now I'm going to convince you to marry me.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES GOOD THINGS ABOUT MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Looks
My friends and I divide girls into two categories. There are girls that are "cute" and girls that are "hot". Both are "attractive," just in different ways. The thing about you, Maggie, is that you have that je-ne-sais quoi that earns you a simultaneous classification under both categories.

Look at how hot you are: (and cute at the same time!)

Plus you've got the blue eyes/brown hair combo with the short cut that drives me wild. AWESOME.

Brains
It's cool that you got your degree in English from Columbia University. MAJOR PROPS FOR YOUR ENGLISH SKILLS, MAGGIE. You could tell me all about things like grammar and literature, if you remembered anything you learned before becoming famous.

Your IMDB article had some of your "personal quotes." I will trust that they are 100% accurate because the Internet in general is an extremely trustworthy place to learn things.

I liked this quote:

"It's my responsibility to see what we can move and change about these old-school feminist mantras."

I'm not really sure what it means. You can tell me after we make love on our wedding night.

But seriously, you sound like an intelligent and committed person...not "crazy" committed, like passionate. See, my English sucks and that's why we should get married; you can help me with that. And I can teach you how to design Web sites, which is a great fall back in case you tear an acting muscle or have to retire early for anabolic steroid use.


SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO MAGGIE FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

Alright, call me old fashioned but I want to let you know that if we get married not only will you get a modest ring and be able to live off the impressive five-figure salary of a young graphic designer, and not only will you get to LIVE WITH THOMAS MARRONE for the rest of your life, but you will also get a special and super personal gift. I am pretty sure that you will like it.

It's flour! Just like Will Farrel's character got your character in Stranger than Fiction. I know that you are a lot like that character because great actors can only really play people like them, so I also know that you must have your own bakery. So here is some flour I ground for you myself. NO IT IS NOT A PICTURE OF COCAINE, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN MAGGIE'S CURRENT FIANCÉ

I'm sure that Peter Sarsgaard is a nice guy. He's from Belleville, IL, which is a hop, skip, and a jump from my own hometown. Neat!

Congratulations about your daughter, by the way. HEY! I've always wanted a daughter too! Awesome, if we get married YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BRING HER TO THE WEDDING!

But back to Peter. The thing with him, Maggie, is that he's like 6 years older than you. Incidentally, I happen to be six years younger than you.

CHECK OUT THE MATH ON THAT: According to the National Center for Health Statistics, women born around 1980 have an average life expectancy of 77.4 years. Men born close to 1970 (like Peter) are only expected to live to be 67.1 years old! So I hate to say it but it looks like Peter is going to die in the year 2038 and you aren't going to die until 2054! If you stick with Peter you have 16 years of mateless melancholy to look forward to. But with my average life expectancy of 70 years and later birth date of 1983, I won't die until 2053! So with me you'd only be alone for like one year. WHAT A STEAL!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MAGGIE

For convenience, let me recap: You should marry me because I think you're adorably smoking hot and probably pretty smart. Also, I will let you have some flour if we get married, and your kid can come too, if you can convince her to call me "Dad." I'm a lot younger than your fiancé Peter, which means we will be together longer before I die.

So, please, MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

PreProposals

Hello women and non-women! My name is Thomas and I've created this blog for a very noble purpose: To convince famous and beautiful women that I am their soul mate and/or gold-digging leech whom they will marry.

I use this space to post open marriage proposals to famous females, and the rules are that if she says yes, then I AM GETTING MARRIED!

Sorry, just had to do a fist pump for victory. Anyway, I am super excited about this, for sure.