I first noticed you in the movie Stranger than Fiction. Well, OK, I'm pretty sure that's the only thing I've seen you in. But damn, what a good movie. And I'd say 67% of that goodness was because of you.
I liked you so much that now I'm going to convince you to marry me.
SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES GOOD THINGS ABOUT MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
Looks
My friends and I divide girls into two categories. There are girls that are "cute" and girls that are "hot". Both are "attractive," just in different ways. The thing about you, Maggie, is that you have that je-ne-sais quoi that earns you a simultaneous classification under both categories.
Look at how hot you are: (and cute at the same time!)
Plus you've got the blue eyes/brown hair combo with the short cut that drives me wild. AWESOME.
Brains
It's cool that you got your degree in English from Columbia University. MAJOR PROPS FOR YOUR ENGLISH SKILLS, MAGGIE. You could tell me all about things like grammar and literature, if you remembered anything you learned before becoming famous.
Your IMDB article had some of your "personal quotes." I will trust that they are 100% accurate because the Internet in general is an extremely trustworthy place to learn things.
I liked this quote:
But seriously, you sound like an intelligent and committed person...not "crazy" committed, like passionate. See, my English sucks and that's why we should get married; you can help me with that. And I can teach you how to design Web sites, which is a great fall back in case you tear an acting muscle or have to retire early for anabolic steroid use.
SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO MAGGIE FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE
Alright, call me old fashioned but I want to let you know that if we get married not only will you get a modest ring and be able to live off the impressive five-figure salary of a young graphic designer, and not only will you get to LIVE WITH THOMAS MARRONE for the rest of your life, but you will also get a special and super personal gift. I am pretty sure that you will like it.
It's flour! Just like Will Farrel's character got your character in Stranger than Fiction. I know that you are a lot like that character because great actors can only really play people like them, so I also know that you must have your own bakery. So here is some flour I ground for you myself. NO IT IS NOT A PICTURE OF COCAINE, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?
SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN MAGGIE'S CURRENT FIANCÉ
I'm sure that Peter Sarsgaard is a nice guy. He's from Belleville, IL, which is a hop, skip, and a jump from my own hometown. Neat!
Congratulations about your daughter, by the way. HEY! I've always wanted a daughter too! Awesome, if we get married YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BRING HER TO THE WEDDING!
But back to Peter. The thing with him, Maggie, is that he's like 6 years older than you. Incidentally, I happen to be six years younger than you.
CHECK OUT THE MATH ON THAT: According to the National Center for Health Statistics, women born around 1980 have an average life expectancy of 77.4 years. Men born close to 1970 (like Peter) are only expected to live to be 67.1 years old! So I hate to say it but it looks like Peter is going to die in the year 2038 and you aren't going to die until 2054! If you stick with Peter you have 16 years of mateless melancholy to look forward to. But with my average life expectancy of 70 years and later birth date of 1983, I won't die until 2053! So with me you'd only be alone for like one year. WHAT A STEAL!
SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MAGGIE
For convenience, let me recap: You should marry me because I think you're adorably smoking hot and probably pretty smart. Also, I will let you have some flour if we get married, and your kid can come too, if you can convince her to call me "Dad." I'm a lot younger than your fiancé Peter, which means we will be together longer before I die.
So, please, MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
It's cool that you got your degree in English from Columbia University. MAJOR PROPS FOR YOUR ENGLISH SKILLS, MAGGIE. You could tell me all about things like grammar and literature, if you remembered anything you learned before becoming famous.
Your IMDB article had some of your "personal quotes." I will trust that they are 100% accurate because the Internet in general is an extremely trustworthy place to learn things.
I liked this quote:
"It's my responsibility to see what we can move and change about these old-school feminist mantras."I'm not really sure what it means. You can tell me after we make love on our wedding night.
But seriously, you sound like an intelligent and committed person...not "crazy" committed, like passionate. See, my English sucks and that's why we should get married; you can help me with that. And I can teach you how to design Web sites, which is a great fall back in case you tear an acting muscle or have to retire early for anabolic steroid use.
SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO MAGGIE FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE
Alright, call me old fashioned but I want to let you know that if we get married not only will you get a modest ring and be able to live off the impressive five-figure salary of a young graphic designer, and not only will you get to LIVE WITH THOMAS MARRONE for the rest of your life, but you will also get a special and super personal gift. I am pretty sure that you will like it.
It's flour! Just like Will Farrel's character got your character in Stranger than Fiction. I know that you are a lot like that character because great actors can only really play people like them, so I also know that you must have your own bakery. So here is some flour I ground for you myself. NO IT IS NOT A PICTURE OF COCAINE, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?
SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN MAGGIE'S CURRENT FIANCÉ
I'm sure that Peter Sarsgaard is a nice guy. He's from Belleville, IL, which is a hop, skip, and a jump from my own hometown. Neat!
Congratulations about your daughter, by the way. HEY! I've always wanted a daughter too! Awesome, if we get married YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BRING HER TO THE WEDDING!
But back to Peter. The thing with him, Maggie, is that he's like 6 years older than you. Incidentally, I happen to be six years younger than you.
CHECK OUT THE MATH ON THAT: According to the National Center for Health Statistics, women born around 1980 have an average life expectancy of 77.4 years. Men born close to 1970 (like Peter) are only expected to live to be 67.1 years old! So I hate to say it but it looks like Peter is going to die in the year 2038 and you aren't going to die until 2054! If you stick with Peter you have 16 years of mateless melancholy to look forward to. But with my average life expectancy of 70 years and later birth date of 1983, I won't die until 2053! So with me you'd only be alone for like one year. WHAT A STEAL!
SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MAGGIE
For convenience, let me recap: You should marry me because I think you're adorably smoking hot and probably pretty smart. Also, I will let you have some flour if we get married, and your kid can come too, if you can convince her to call me "Dad." I'm a lot younger than your fiancé Peter, which means we will be together longer before I die.
So, please, MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
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