LINDSAY LOHAN, LET'S GET MARRIED!

Unfortunately, I haven't heard back from Maggie yet. There are, however, lots of proverbial fish left in the proverbial sea so it's time to move proverbially (word?) on. This week's installment is none other than OMG!HOTTIE!! Lindsay Lohan.

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Dear Lindsay,

Wow, I don't really know where to start. I AM SOOO NERVOUS! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule of drinking, drugs, and not showing up for work to read this letter.

I want to start out by saying that I am A HUGE FAN of how you (used to) look. The first time I noticed you was as the babe on the desktop of one of my friend's computers. And it went something like this:

HOT TIP: Click on the picture if you're a dude!

Now some might say that picture is of questionable taste, especially with the unidentified man-foot in the background. NOT ME LINDSAY! I respect you for taking a "liberated" view of life. Liberated from societal norms and expectations, liberated from a healthy diet and self image, and most importantly, liberated from personal responsibility! HECK YES you are awesome.

I respect you so much that I am going to list the ways in which you are more cool than your arch-rival for the affections of boy-band sensation Aaron Carter.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR LISTS THE WAYS THAT LINDSAY LOHAN IS MORE COOL THAN HILLARY DUFF.

1. The first way you are more cool than Hillary Duff is your last name. Lohan is a better last name than Duff because it has more syllables. WE DO NOT QUESTION MATH.
   
   
2. The second way you are more cool than Hillary is that you are not blond. Or rather, at you have probably not been blond more often than you have been blond. Not that I don't like blond girls, but red hair trumps blond hair in all the chauvinistic blond jokes I've ever heard.
   
   
3. Thirdly, you have starred in a movie based on an NPR radio show. Hillary Duff has not.
   
   
4. Finally, Hillary's middle name is "Erhard." Your middle name is "Dee". There have been no actors in any of the Star Wars movies with the middle name "Erhard."
   
   

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR CLAIMS THAT HE LOVES LINDSAY "FOR HER BRAINS" J/K...LOL!


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS LINDSAY SOME COCAINE TO "HELP GET HER MIND OFF OF THINGS"

So I know that you've had some troubles in the past with alcohol and weight management.

The root of these troubles lie in the extreme amounts of unwanted pressure applied to you by the media and your legions of fans. I wouldn't worry, though. Pressure can turn shit into a diamond. Or it can just turn it in to more tightly packed shit.

But never you mind about all that because I am about to give you the solution to all your problems:

Cocaine! Consider it a super personal gift from me, the adoring suitor to you, his beloved future crack-fiend trophy wife.

It will help keep the weight down and will keep your mind off of your fans and the media because you'll be so crazy for the nose candy...it sounds like a WIN-WIN-WIN to me!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATTING THAN FOOT DUDE

So, Lindsay, the latest gossip says that you might be dating Jude Law. I am not interested in rumors, though. I only trade in facts. And facts are right now I'm looking at a picture of you in bed with a disembodied foot.

Are you really THAT weird? I mean, whatever floats your boat Lindsay, but I think that I am a better candidate than foot dude. The reason? Because there is more to me than just a foot!

Indeed, I have a whole body, including my appendix and tonsils. Foot dude doesn't even have thighs or a chest or a face! I have all of these things and more.

I will say that foot dude has a pretty nice left foot for a dude. His left foot might even be nicer than mine...but I have a right foot too! Working class citizens call that steal "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE."

Not convinced? Here's the photographic evidence with labels::

NOTE: My left arm transforms into a plasma cannon when evil robots are near. Also, I do have eyes, shins, and feet, even if they are not labeled in this photo.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO LINDSAY

I realize all this information at once might be a little much for someone as "in demand" as you. Thusly, I have condensed my proposal down to a simple free-form haiku for your consideration:

Formerly hot babe
You escaped from rehab
Let us marry quick

I think that says all I need it to say...

So, please, LINDSAY LOHAN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?