ALANIS MORISSETTE, LET'S GET MARRIED

Well, I got distracted for a while waiting around for Miranda Otto to get back to me. But the time for waiting is over. We could've conquered the world together Miranda. BUT TOO DARN BAD, SWEETCHEEKS!

This Italian Stallion has left your stable:

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I'm pretty angry because rejection stings. I though the third time was the charm? Apparently that is a LIE! So naturally I now have a jaded and bitter view of most interpersonal relationships. I am now looking for someone with a similar view...which means my new soul mate is none other than Alanis Morissette!

Hey Alanis,
Let's tie the knot. I mean you've been voicing the romantic frustrations of self-actualized women for at least twelve years now and maybe it's time to settle down with a nice guy like me. This is what it could be like:

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR REVEALS TRUE FACTS ABOUT HIS PAST WHICH ARE ANECDOTALLY RELATED TO ALANIS' HIT SONG "IRONIC."

Alanis, you might get a kick out of this piece of personal history. So in eighth grade I had a girlfriend for two weeks and your hit song "Ironic" was our relationship's anthem!

As to why that was, the truth of the matter is that I had liked her for a while and she told my friend "I think that Thomas likes me" and then she frowned a bit because I was a nice guy but in 8th grade I was kind of chubby. So she was afraid that she would hurt my feelings when she rejected me for Johnny Football.

But it worked out later because eventually she decided that she wanted a boyfriend more than she didn't want to me to be her boyfriend. Everybody won! We decided that it was ironic that she didn't like me but agreed to date me anyway, so we adopted your "Ironic" as "our" song! How we didn't anticipate this as a sign of doom I will never understand.

Of course, after two weeks we didn't really see each other much so it kind of fizzled out. There was no official break-up so I guess that we are still together, technically. But it's cool Alanis, I will officially break up with her for you!

SERIOUSLY, I just found her on Myspace and I can message her in seconds flat.


SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ADDRESSES HIS SUITABILITY FOR ALANIS BASED ON THE CRITERIA OUTLINED IN HER SONG "21 THINGS I WANT IN A LOVER"

1. Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
   Yes, I do. Unless they are douchebags or prefer Pepsi to Coca-Cola products.
   
   
2. Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
   No, in fact, I play by the rules and respect others. Of course there was that time I was mud-wrestling with some other counselors at camp. Uh, does that count?
   
   
3. Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?
   Not to toot my own horn, (toot toot) but I think I am a relatively smart guy. But then I know a lot of people smarter and wiser than me and try to learn from them whenever possible. Like Kermit the frog. That brother is deep.
   
   
4. Do you see everything as an illusion?
   I did for a while after The Matrix came out. But then the sequels came out and I decided that their philosophy was making the movies really crappy, so I moved on.
   
   
5. ...But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
   Uhm...yes? No? Whichever answer you like can go in this box. This test isn't timed, is it? Shit.
   
   
6. Are you both masculine and feminine...
   I have man-parts but sometimes I sit down to pee.
   
   
7. ...Politically aware?
   Yes! I watch The West Wing and listen to NPR all the time. PLUS sometimes I watch CSPAN accidentally.
   
   
8. And don't believe in capital punishment?
   I don't!
   
   
9. Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
   I would qualify falling in love as slightly better than eating a Snicker's Ice Cream bar. While you may think that I am trivilializing love, those who know me will tell you that, for me, eating a Snicker's Ice Cream bar is a very deep and spiritual experience.
   
   
10. Are you funny?
    Mitch Hedberg funny...
    
    
    
    or Crispin Glover funny?
    
    
    
    Please clarify.
    
    
11. Self-deprecating?
    No, I only do that in the toilet!
    
    
12. Like adventure?
    Who doesn't? My favorite type of adventure is Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Close second is Adventures in Babysitting.
    
    
13. ...And have many formed opinions?
    I have certainly formed the opinion that you and I should get freaking married!
    
    
14. Are you uninhibited in bed?
    Well I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I know how to make your bed rock! Hahahaha...I've got a million of those. But seriously, the word on the street is that sex is neat. Word.
    
    
15. More than three times a week?
    What about more than three times a day? Can you even handle it?
    
    
16. Up for being experimental?
    Sure! Labs were the coolest part of Chemistry class.
    
    
17. Are you athletic?
    I have several championship Foosball titles I earned many years ago, but I'm retired now. I still try to stay in shape so I can play a pick-up game now and then, but I'm proud of my career.
    
    
18. Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
    Well I am an only child but if my hypothetical brother went to Southeast Missouri State University and used its Web site then the answer would be "Hell yes!"
    
    
19. Are you not addicted?
    I am not addicted to anything...BUT YOUR LOVE!
    
    
20. Curious?
    I would be very interested to know your opinion on this one.
    
    
21. Communicative?
    I think I'm being pretty darn communicative by filling out this freaking survey! Do you make all of your potential soul-mates do this? GEEZ
    
    

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS ALANIS A GIFT FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE.

So it seems to me that sometimes you get kind of down, and I thought that maybe this was because your diet was missing something...something sweet. So what could be better for that than this super-personal gift I am going to give you for marrying me?

Sugar! Or your artificial sweetener of choice. BECAUSE YOU ARE SO SWEET, ALANIS!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES TO ALANIS WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN HER CURRENT BOYFRIEND.

Actually...according to my sources you don't HAVE a current boyfriend. Hay, wait a second, that's just like my girlfriend from eighth grade! Could you be another victory by default?

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO ALANIS.

Well Alanis, what can I say? On your list of "lover qualifications" I fit at least 19 of the 21. I'd say that's a pretty high score! Also, like the situation with my girlfriend in 8th grade you really don't have any other prospects at the moment... So I recommend that you laugh, you learn, and that we tie the knot!

ALANIS MORISSETTE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

MIRANDA OTTO, LET'S GET MARRIED

Hey everyone, I know it has been a little while since the last proposal. I was giving Lindsay some extra time because she obviously needed it. But time has run out and now I have to retire the golden phone that was waiting for Lindsay's acceptance call:

Sorry Lindsay...BUT YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!

Now I know a lot of you were dismayed last time because I picked Lindsay. The consensus was that she was a poor wife-choice. Well, I have listened to your comments and decided to go with a completely different kind of gal. So different she's not even from the same continent! Can you guess who it is? Why, you're right, I'm asking Miranda Otto to marry me!

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Dear Miranda,
Most of my friends know you from a mildly successful trilogy of films called The Lord of the Rings. You played warrior-babe Eowyn of Rohan. I have to admit that was when I first saw you, too, and I liked what I saw! I liked you so much that I am pretty sure we should get married.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR PRAISES MIRANDA FOR HER SWORD-WIELDING ABILITIES AND SHAMELESSLY CASHES IN ON THE OBVIOUS INNUENDO

So here is a picture of you wielding a large sword in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

What follows is a dramatic reenactment of the scene referenced in the above image:

EOWYN (spoken with body language): Hey everyone, check out my lithe sword-wielding frame!

ARAGORN: You've some skill with a blade.

THOMAS: I'll say!

Ok so I wasn't really in the movie. But that's what I would've said had I been there. Or maybe since the movie was set in olden times I would've said something more like this:

EOWYN (spoken with body language): Hey everyone, check out my lithe sword-wielding frame!

ARAGORN: You've some skill with a blade.

THOMAS: Indeed! Aragorn speaks the truth, for your motions demonstrate a deadly grace that is not to be underestimated by even the fiercest of foes!

Also, your feminine qualities cannot be ignored and neither can the emasculating implications of a dainty woman such as yourself handling a giant bladed instrument. Verily, I find the image of one as beautiful as yourself holding a deadly sword very compelling and am aware of the possible Freudian overtones!

Also, WATCH OUT FOR THAT ORC RIDING A WOLF!

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR REALIZES THAT MIRANDA PROBABLY DOESN'T DRESS UP LIKE A MEDIEVAL WOMAN ALL THE TIME...DAMN!

So, as cool as you are when you wield swords and wear old tyme dresses and armor, Google showed me that sometimes you don't do all that stuff. Sometimes you dress normally for a modern person:

I'm OK with this development. I was more excited about our pending (and dare I say certain) marriage when I thought I'd be sharing my life with a real-life shield maiden of Rohan. This whole "present day" look is growing on me, though. But I am pretty sure I'll still only let you bathe once or twice a month. HOPE THAT IS COOL WITH YOU.


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA UNITED STATES CITIZENSHIP

So you're from Australia? Do you get to do a lot of sword fighting there? Because I can guarantee that your skill with a bladed weapon is in veryI high demand in the state of Missouri. And guess what, if you marry me I come with a free Green Card. No worries about a work visa or the border patrol, you've got an instant in, Miranda...Instant in.


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA ANOTHER GIFT FOR HER (SWORD) HAND IN MARRIAGE

Well, a greeting card is not all that you get! If you decide to become my warrior-bride you will also receive a hand-picked, super personal gift. It is perfect for you:

Can you tell what it is? Yes, it is the ground-up remains of the bones of your enemies! You can mix it with salt to ruin their farmland after your (I should say our) conquering armies of Rohirrim crush their armies under boot and hoof. IT WILL BE SUPER SWEET AND TOTALLY ROMANTIC.


SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES TO MIRANDA WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN HER HUSBAND.

How is your husband, Peter O'Brien, doing? Is he doing as awesome as I am? No? Well then why the HECK are you still married to him? I think we can forgo the formal argument on this point: Thomas Marrone is more awesome than Peter O'Brien.

And why would you want to be married to someone who is obviously less awesome than someone who also wants to marry you? The answer is that you wouldn't. Logic, Miranda. They teach logic in Australia, right?


SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR NEEDLESSLY REFERENCES AN INANE BIT OF STAR TREK MINUTIAE

Hey, you know what's cool about your name, Miranda? No, not that it's in a Shakespeare play. The cool thing is that there is a starship type with the same name.

It looks like this:

What follows is a re-enactment of a conversation that has yet to take place:

THOMAS: Is that awesome or what?

MIRANDA: IT IS MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME!

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MIRANDA

Miranda, I think it's pretty obvious that we should get married because I would only expect you to bathe once or twice a month. Also, you would get to kill as many wild men and orcs as you wanted, and there are plenty of both of those things in Southeast Missouri, where I live. And you know that I am doing more awesome than your current husband, so what is the hold up?

Please, MIRANDA OTTO, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

LINDSAY LOHAN, LET'S GET MARRIED!

Unfortunately, I haven't heard back from Maggie yet. There are, however, lots of proverbial fish left in the proverbial sea so it's time to move proverbially (word?) on. This week's installment is none other than OMG!HOTTIE!! Lindsay Lohan.

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Dear Lindsay,

Wow, I don't really know where to start. I AM SOOO NERVOUS! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule of drinking, drugs, and not showing up for work to read this letter.

I want to start out by saying that I am A HUGE FAN of how you (used to) look. The first time I noticed you was as the babe on the desktop of one of my friend's computers. And it went something like this:

HOT TIP: Click on the picture if you're a dude!

Now some might say that picture is of questionable taste, especially with the unidentified man-foot in the background. NOT ME LINDSAY! I respect you for taking a "liberated" view of life. Liberated from societal norms and expectations, liberated from a healthy diet and self image, and most importantly, liberated from personal responsibility! HECK YES you are awesome.

I respect you so much that I am going to list the ways in which you are more cool than your arch-rival for the affections of boy-band sensation Aaron Carter.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR LISTS THE WAYS THAT LINDSAY LOHAN IS MORE COOL THAN HILLARY DUFF.

1. The first way you are more cool than Hillary Duff is your last name. Lohan is a better last name than Duff because it has more syllables. WE DO NOT QUESTION MATH.
   
   
2. The second way you are more cool than Hillary is that you are not blond. Or rather, at you have probably not been blond more often than you have been blond. Not that I don't like blond girls, but red hair trumps blond hair in all the chauvinistic blond jokes I've ever heard.
   
   
3. Thirdly, you have starred in a movie based on an NPR radio show. Hillary Duff has not.
   
   
4. Finally, Hillary's middle name is "Erhard." Your middle name is "Dee". There have been no actors in any of the Star Wars movies with the middle name "Erhard."
   
   

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR CLAIMS THAT HE LOVES LINDSAY "FOR HER BRAINS" J/K...LOL!


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS LINDSAY SOME COCAINE TO "HELP GET HER MIND OFF OF THINGS"

So I know that you've had some troubles in the past with alcohol and weight management.

The root of these troubles lie in the extreme amounts of unwanted pressure applied to you by the media and your legions of fans. I wouldn't worry, though. Pressure can turn shit into a diamond. Or it can just turn it in to more tightly packed shit.

But never you mind about all that because I am about to give you the solution to all your problems:

Cocaine! Consider it a super personal gift from me, the adoring suitor to you, his beloved future crack-fiend trophy wife.

It will help keep the weight down and will keep your mind off of your fans and the media because you'll be so crazy for the nose candy...it sounds like a WIN-WIN-WIN to me!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATTING THAN FOOT DUDE

So, Lindsay, the latest gossip says that you might be dating Jude Law. I am not interested in rumors, though. I only trade in facts. And facts are right now I'm looking at a picture of you in bed with a disembodied foot.

Are you really THAT weird? I mean, whatever floats your boat Lindsay, but I think that I am a better candidate than foot dude. The reason? Because there is more to me than just a foot!

Indeed, I have a whole body, including my appendix and tonsils. Foot dude doesn't even have thighs or a chest or a face! I have all of these things and more.

I will say that foot dude has a pretty nice left foot for a dude. His left foot might even be nicer than mine...but I have a right foot too! Working class citizens call that steal "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE."

Not convinced? Here's the photographic evidence with labels::

NOTE: My left arm transforms into a plasma cannon when evil robots are near. Also, I do have eyes, shins, and feet, even if they are not labeled in this photo.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO LINDSAY

I realize all this information at once might be a little much for someone as "in demand" as you. Thusly, I have condensed my proposal down to a simple free-form haiku for your consideration:

Formerly hot babe
You escaped from rehab
Let us marry quick

I think that says all I need it to say...

So, please, LINDSAY LOHAN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, LET'S GET MARRIED!

Dear Maggie,
I first noticed you in the movie Stranger than Fiction. Well, OK, I'm pretty sure that's the only thing I've seen you in. But damn, what a good movie. And I'd say 67% of that goodness was because of you.

I liked you so much that now I'm going to convince you to marry me.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES GOOD THINGS ABOUT MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Looks
My friends and I divide girls into two categories. There are girls that are "cute" and girls that are "hot". Both are "attractive," just in different ways. The thing about you, Maggie, is that you have that je-ne-sais quoi that earns you a simultaneous classification under both categories.

Look at how hot you are: (and cute at the same time!)

Plus you've got the blue eyes/brown hair combo with the short cut that drives me wild. AWESOME.

Brains
It's cool that you got your degree in English from Columbia University. MAJOR PROPS FOR YOUR ENGLISH SKILLS, MAGGIE. You could tell me all about things like grammar and literature, if you remembered anything you learned before becoming famous.

Your IMDB article had some of your "personal quotes." I will trust that they are 100% accurate because the Internet in general is an extremely trustworthy place to learn things.

I liked this quote:

"It's my responsibility to see what we can move and change about these old-school feminist mantras."

I'm not really sure what it means. You can tell me after we make love on our wedding night.

But seriously, you sound like an intelligent and committed person...not "crazy" committed, like passionate. See, my English sucks and that's why we should get married; you can help me with that. And I can teach you how to design Web sites, which is a great fall back in case you tear an acting muscle or have to retire early for anabolic steroid use.


SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO MAGGIE FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

Alright, call me old fashioned but I want to let you know that if we get married not only will you get a modest ring and be able to live off the impressive five-figure salary of a young graphic designer, and not only will you get to LIVE WITH THOMAS MARRONE for the rest of your life, but you will also get a special and super personal gift. I am pretty sure that you will like it.

It's flour! Just like Will Farrel's character got your character in Stranger than Fiction. I know that you are a lot like that character because great actors can only really play people like them, so I also know that you must have your own bakery. So here is some flour I ground for you myself. NO IT IS NOT A PICTURE OF COCAINE, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN MAGGIE'S CURRENT FIANCÉ

I'm sure that Peter Sarsgaard is a nice guy. He's from Belleville, IL, which is a hop, skip, and a jump from my own hometown. Neat!

Congratulations about your daughter, by the way. HEY! I've always wanted a daughter too! Awesome, if we get married YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BRING HER TO THE WEDDING!

But back to Peter. The thing with him, Maggie, is that he's like 6 years older than you. Incidentally, I happen to be six years younger than you.

CHECK OUT THE MATH ON THAT: According to the National Center for Health Statistics, women born around 1980 have an average life expectancy of 77.4 years. Men born close to 1970 (like Peter) are only expected to live to be 67.1 years old! So I hate to say it but it looks like Peter is going to die in the year 2038 and you aren't going to die until 2054! If you stick with Peter you have 16 years of mateless melancholy to look forward to. But with my average life expectancy of 70 years and later birth date of 1983, I won't die until 2053! So with me you'd only be alone for like one year. WHAT A STEAL!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MAGGIE

For convenience, let me recap: You should marry me because I think you're adorably smoking hot and probably pretty smart. Also, I will let you have some flour if we get married, and your kid can come too, if you can convince her to call me "Dad." I'm a lot younger than your fiancé Peter, which means we will be together longer before I die.

So, please, MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

PreProposals

Hello women and non-women! My name is Thomas and I've created this blog for a very noble purpose: To convince famous and beautiful women that I am their soul mate and/or gold-digging leech whom they will marry.

I use this space to post open marriage proposals to famous females, and the rules are that if she says yes, then I AM GETTING MARRIED!

Sorry, just had to do a fist pump for victory. Anyway, I am super excited about this, for sure.