Hey everyone, I know it has been a little while since the last proposal. I was giving Lindsay some extra time because she obviously needed it. But time has run out and now I have to retire the golden phone that was waiting for Lindsay's acceptance call:
Sorry Lindsay...BUT YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!
Now I know a lot of you were dismayed last time because I picked Lindsay. The consensus was that she was a poor wife-choice. Well, I have listened to your comments and decided to go with a completely different kind of gal. So different she's not even from the same continent! Can you guess who it is? Why, you're right, I'm asking Miranda Otto to marry me!
Now I know a lot of you were dismayed last time because I picked Lindsay. The consensus was that she was a poor wife-choice. Well, I have listened to your comments and decided to go with a completely different kind of gal. So different she's not even from the same continent! Can you guess who it is? Why, you're right, I'm asking Miranda Otto to marry me!
Dear Miranda,
Most of my friends know you from a mildly successful trilogy of films called The Lord of the Rings. You played warrior-babe Eowyn of Rohan. I have to admit that was when I first saw you, too, and I liked what I saw! I liked you so much that I am pretty sure we should get married.
SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR PRAISES MIRANDA FOR HER SWORD-WIELDING ABILITIES AND SHAMELESSLY CASHES IN ON THE OBVIOUS INNUENDO
So here is a picture of you wielding a large sword in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
What follows is a dramatic reenactment of the scene referenced in the above image:
EOWYN (spoken with body language): Hey everyone, check out my lithe sword-wielding frame!Ok so I wasn't really in the movie. But that's what I would've said had I been there. Or maybe since the movie was set in olden times I would've said something more like this:
ARAGORN: You've some skill with a blade.
THOMAS: I'll say!
EOWYN (spoken with body language): Hey everyone, check out my lithe sword-wielding frame!
ARAGORN: You've some skill with a blade.
THOMAS: Indeed! Aragorn speaks the truth, for your motions demonstrate a deadly grace that is not to be underestimated by even the fiercest of foes!
Also, your feminine qualities cannot be ignored and neither can the emasculating implications of a dainty woman such as yourself handling a giant bladed instrument. Verily, I find the image of one as beautiful as yourself holding a deadly sword very compelling and am aware of the possible Freudian overtones!
Also, WATCH OUT FOR THAT ORC RIDING A WOLF!
SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR REALIZES THAT MIRANDA PROBABLY DOESN'T DRESS UP LIKE A MEDIEVAL WOMAN ALL THE TIME...DAMN!
So, as cool as you are when you wield swords and wear old tyme dresses and armor, Google showed me that sometimes you don't do all that stuff. Sometimes you dress normally for a modern person:
I'm OK with this development. I was more excited about our pending (and dare I say certain) marriage when I thought I'd be sharing my life with a real-life shield maiden of Rohan. This whole "present day" look is growing on me, though. But I am pretty sure I'll still only let you bathe once or twice a month. HOPE THAT IS COOL WITH YOU.
SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA UNITED STATES CITIZENSHIP
So you're from Australia? Do you get to do a lot of sword fighting there? Because I can guarantee that your skill with a bladed weapon is in veryI high demand in the state of Missouri. And guess what, if you marry me I come with a free Green Card. No worries about a work visa or the border patrol, you've got an instant in, Miranda...Instant in.
SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA ANOTHER GIFT FOR HER (SWORD) HAND IN MARRIAGE
Well, a greeting card is not all that you get! If you decide to become my warrior-bride you will also receive a hand-picked, super personal gift. It is perfect for you:
Can you tell what it is? Yes, it is the ground-up remains of the bones of your enemies! You can mix it with salt to ruin their farmland after your (I should say our) conquering armies of Rohirrim crush their armies under boot and hoof. IT WILL BE SUPER SWEET AND TOTALLY ROMANTIC.
SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES TO MIRANDA WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN HER HUSBAND.
How is your husband, Peter O'Brien, doing? Is he doing as awesome as I am? No? Well then why the HECK are you still married to him? I think we can forgo the formal argument on this point: Thomas Marrone is more awesome than Peter O'Brien.
And why would you want to be married to someone who is obviously less awesome than someone who also wants to marry you? The answer is that you wouldn't. Logic, Miranda. They teach logic in Australia, right?
SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR NEEDLESSLY REFERENCES AN INANE BIT OF STAR TREK MINUTIAE
Hey, you know what's cool about your name, Miranda? No, not that it's in a Shakespeare play. The cool thing is that there is a starship type with the same name.
It looks like this:
What follows is a re-enactment of a conversation that has yet to take place:
SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MIRANDA
Miranda, I think it's pretty obvious that we should get married because I would only expect you to bathe once or twice a month. Also, you would get to kill as many wild men and orcs as you wanted, and there are plenty of both of those things in Southeast Missouri, where I live. And you know that I am doing more awesome than your current husband, so what is the hold up?
Please, MIRANDA OTTO, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA UNITED STATES CITIZENSHIP
So you're from Australia? Do you get to do a lot of sword fighting there? Because I can guarantee that your skill with a bladed weapon is in veryI high demand in the state of Missouri. And guess what, if you marry me I come with a free Green Card. No worries about a work visa or the border patrol, you've got an instant in, Miranda...Instant in.
SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS MIRANDA ANOTHER GIFT FOR HER (SWORD) HAND IN MARRIAGE
Well, a greeting card is not all that you get! If you decide to become my warrior-bride you will also receive a hand-picked, super personal gift. It is perfect for you:
Can you tell what it is? Yes, it is the ground-up remains of the bones of your enemies! You can mix it with salt to ruin their farmland after your (I should say our) conquering armies of Rohirrim crush their armies under boot and hoof. IT WILL BE SUPER SWEET AND TOTALLY ROMANTIC.
SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES TO MIRANDA WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN HER HUSBAND.
How is your husband, Peter O'Brien, doing? Is he doing as awesome as I am? No? Well then why the HECK are you still married to him? I think we can forgo the formal argument on this point: Thomas Marrone is more awesome than Peter O'Brien.
And why would you want to be married to someone who is obviously less awesome than someone who also wants to marry you? The answer is that you wouldn't. Logic, Miranda. They teach logic in Australia, right?
SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR NEEDLESSLY REFERENCES AN INANE BIT OF STAR TREK MINUTIAE
Hey, you know what's cool about your name, Miranda? No, not that it's in a Shakespeare play. The cool thing is that there is a starship type with the same name.
It looks like this:
What follows is a re-enactment of a conversation that has yet to take place:
THOMAS: Is that awesome or what?
MIRANDA: IT IS MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME!
SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MIRANDA
Miranda, I think it's pretty obvious that we should get married because I would only expect you to bathe once or twice a month. Also, you would get to kill as many wild men and orcs as you wanted, and there are plenty of both of those things in Southeast Missouri, where I live. And you know that I am doing more awesome than your current husband, so what is the hold up?
Please, MIRANDA OTTO, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
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