SARAH PALIN, LET’S GET MARRIED

I was in it for the long haul last time. Just like Hillary. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out so well and I guess it turns out she didn’t need my help after all. I mean, Secretary of State is like 5 heartbeats away? Don’t worry Hillary, even though you ignored my advances I’m not bitter. I wish all the best for you and your lightning rod … I mean husband.

So where do I go from here? I mean, once you ask a presidential primary candidate for the Democratic party to get married, what’s left? Who could possibly have the courage, the vision, the brains and the beauty to trump Hillary Clinton?

I think you all know the answer. I certainly do.

Governor Sarah Palin, will you please marry me?

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DISCUSSES SARAH PALIN’S FUTURE IN POLITICS

As you can see, I definitely find ambitious women a turn-on. Some guys get off on being handcuffed. Not me. I get off on being in the same bed with a woman who has the launch codes for the world’s largest nuclear arsenal. So if we get married I fully expect for you to get back on that presidential dogsled and ride all the way to victory in 2012.

It’s going to be a long, hard race, so let’s talk strategy.

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS TO LET SARAH PALIN BORROW SOME OF HIS MAGAZINES OR TEACH HER HOW TO USE THE INTERNET TO READ THE NEWS

First of all, I remember that there as an issue with that stupid cow from the gotcha media getting a bit too nosy about how you stay informed. Apparently they don’t consider the Wasilla Frontiersman a triple-A news source. Well have no fear. I know how we can take care of this. I happen to have gotten a free subscription to Newsweek when I became a member of my local NPR station.

Now I know what you must be thinking: Hold on there big fella, you are saying to yourself, I can’t go consorting with no namby-pamby NPR-listening tree-humping bleeding heart socialist!

First of all, FEEL FREE TO CALL ME BIG FELLA WHENEVER YOU LIKE.

Secondly, I will admit that I am a member of NPR. But trust me Governor Palin, I am only doing this as part of a much larger plan to infiltrate the liberal ranks and take them down from the inside. (The next step in my plan involves going into the local county Democratic Party offices and switching all of their recycled paper with 100% pre-consumer product. Then after I wait a couple of months for them to use all that brand new paper, I’ll write them a note telling them what I’ve done. The guilt will cause them to asphyxiate themselves in the non-biodegradable plastic bags I will have provided with the note.)

So, uhm, anyway, when I joined NPR, I got a free subscription to Newsweek. HERE’S THE DEAL. I’m going to let you borrow these old Newsweek magazines. I say “old” because my subscription expired about three months ago, but I still have a whole year’s worth of these news magazines just sitting around. But old news is better than no news, right? Just remember, George Bush isn’t the president anymore and Lindsay Lohan (bless her heart) is now a lesbian.

If you’re not satisfied with that arrangement, I can also show you how to get news off of the computer. I know they weren’t big on computers in the McCain campaign, but I CAN MAKE THEM WORK FOR YOU. Did you know you can get news from a computer? For free even, which is good since you need to spend your money on more important things.

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMMENDS SARAH PALIN ON HER CHOICE OF PRESS CONFERENCE BACKDROPS

Sarah, I just want to say that I really admire the fact that you will take an interview in front of a man slaughtering a turkey:

It really shows a lot of down-home guts. Literally. So here’s what I am thinking. From now on, any time that you are interviewed, we should have an animal slaughtered in the background. For example, the next time that you get interviewed we can be outdoors again and I can take a shotgun to some unlucky squirrels in the tree behind you. We can even time it so the little bastards will fall out of the trees at strategic moments to emphasize your key points about maverickosity and fiscal responsitude.

We should also look at drawing it out thematically. For example, when you have to do a stump speech about how the Democrats are only interested in pork-barrel projects, we can slaughter a whole pig during the speech on the platform behind you. If your speech is long enough we can even fire up the barbecue and hand out ribs to all the liberal journalists. Nothing wins votes like fresh barbecue, I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.

SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ASSURES SARAH THAT HE WILL “TAKE CARE” OF TODD

So I know you’re already married to this guy Todd. That’s cool. You gave him a shot at marriage and what I imagine was a holy-ghost inspired romp in the sack at least four and a half times. But I think he’s really had his chance. Don’t worry about him. I’ll take care of it the next time his snowmobile is in the shop. I’ve been reading up about snowmobile brake systems, and trust me, Todd won’t stand in our way much longer.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMPLIMENTS SARAH PALIN FOR LOOKING LIKE TINA FEY

So, Governor Palin. I have a HUGE CRUSH on Tina Fey. I have to admit this to you; I mean if we’re going to get married we should be honest about things like this right up front. I think Tina Fey is an amazingly beautiful, talented and funny woman. She is one of my “gold standards” of potential mate-hood. So what I’m saying is, it doesn’t hurt that you look a lot like her. You might not be Tina Fey, but you’re close. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH A SILVER MEDAL, MADAME VICE PRESIDENT... I MEAN GOVERNOR.

SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DISCUSSES THE NAMES OF ANY FUTURE CHILDREN HE MAY HAVE WITH GOVERNOR PALIN

I’ve noticed that you and Todd like to name children after single-engine aircraft. And while your relationship with Todd will have to end, I don’t see any reason why this tradition should! I think that for our four and a half children we should expand our horizons a bit more. Instead of just looking at single-engine prop aircraft for inspiration we should support our troops and take some keys from military aircraft as well. I have put together the following graphic with some helpful suggestions:

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR EXPRESSES HIS COMMON INTEREST WITH SARAH PALIN IN AUTOMATIC WEAPONRY AND SUGGESTS IT BE INTEGRATED INTO THEIR MARITAL BLISS

There might be some younger folks out there reading this so I don’t want to get into details. But the only thing I think that is more sexy than pillow talk about thermonuclear war is some foreplay and roleplay using automatic weapons. I know you get hot about this kind of thing too. Just look at what it could be like:

OH MY GOD THAT IS SO SEXY. I AM READY TO DRILL BABY DRILL.

SECTION EIGHT: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO SARAH FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

Now it’s your turn for a SUPER PERSONAL GIFT Governor. Sometimes I think people don’t really appreciate what they already have, and because of that I’ve picked out an extremely appropriate gift for you:

Yup, SNOW! I know you probably have a lot of it already…but can you ever have enough? Not really. Not if you’re still living in ALASKA!

SECTION NINE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO SARAH PALIN

Sarah, you are at a pivotal point in your career as a politician and as a hockey mom. You’ve taken some lumps and you might be down, but you are not out! All you need to do is to put your collar back on, smear on a new shade of lipstick, and get started with a brand new family built around a strapping young man like yours truly. For the good of yourself, the future C-17 Globemaster Palin, and the United States of America, you know how you have to answer the following question.

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?