SARAH PALIN, LET’S GET MARRIED

I was in it for the long haul last time. Just like Hillary. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out so well and I guess it turns out she didn’t need my help after all. I mean, Secretary of State is like 5 heartbeats away? Don’t worry Hillary, even though you ignored my advances I’m not bitter. I wish all the best for you and your lightning rod … I mean husband.

So where do I go from here? I mean, once you ask a presidential primary candidate for the Democratic party to get married, what’s left? Who could possibly have the courage, the vision, the brains and the beauty to trump Hillary Clinton?

I think you all know the answer. I certainly do.

Governor Sarah Palin, will you please marry me?

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DISCUSSES SARAH PALIN’S FUTURE IN POLITICS

As you can see, I definitely find ambitious women a turn-on. Some guys get off on being handcuffed. Not me. I get off on being in the same bed with a woman who has the launch codes for the world’s largest nuclear arsenal. So if we get married I fully expect for you to get back on that presidential dogsled and ride all the way to victory in 2012.

It’s going to be a long, hard race, so let’s talk strategy.

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS TO LET SARAH PALIN BORROW SOME OF HIS MAGAZINES OR TEACH HER HOW TO USE THE INTERNET TO READ THE NEWS

First of all, I remember that there as an issue with that stupid cow from the gotcha media getting a bit too nosy about how you stay informed. Apparently they don’t consider the Wasilla Frontiersman a triple-A news source. Well have no fear. I know how we can take care of this. I happen to have gotten a free subscription to Newsweek when I became a member of my local NPR station.

Now I know what you must be thinking: Hold on there big fella, you are saying to yourself, I can’t go consorting with no namby-pamby NPR-listening tree-humping bleeding heart socialist!

First of all, FEEL FREE TO CALL ME BIG FELLA WHENEVER YOU LIKE.

Secondly, I will admit that I am a member of NPR. But trust me Governor Palin, I am only doing this as part of a much larger plan to infiltrate the liberal ranks and take them down from the inside. (The next step in my plan involves going into the local county Democratic Party offices and switching all of their recycled paper with 100% pre-consumer product. Then after I wait a couple of months for them to use all that brand new paper, I’ll write them a note telling them what I’ve done. The guilt will cause them to asphyxiate themselves in the non-biodegradable plastic bags I will have provided with the note.)

So, uhm, anyway, when I joined NPR, I got a free subscription to Newsweek. HERE’S THE DEAL. I’m going to let you borrow these old Newsweek magazines. I say “old” because my subscription expired about three months ago, but I still have a whole year’s worth of these news magazines just sitting around. But old news is better than no news, right? Just remember, George Bush isn’t the president anymore and Lindsay Lohan (bless her heart) is now a lesbian.

If you’re not satisfied with that arrangement, I can also show you how to get news off of the computer. I know they weren’t big on computers in the McCain campaign, but I CAN MAKE THEM WORK FOR YOU. Did you know you can get news from a computer? For free even, which is good since you need to spend your money on more important things.

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMMENDS SARAH PALIN ON HER CHOICE OF PRESS CONFERENCE BACKDROPS

Sarah, I just want to say that I really admire the fact that you will take an interview in front of a man slaughtering a turkey:

It really shows a lot of down-home guts. Literally. So here’s what I am thinking. From now on, any time that you are interviewed, we should have an animal slaughtered in the background. For example, the next time that you get interviewed we can be outdoors again and I can take a shotgun to some unlucky squirrels in the tree behind you. We can even time it so the little bastards will fall out of the trees at strategic moments to emphasize your key points about maverickosity and fiscal responsitude.

We should also look at drawing it out thematically. For example, when you have to do a stump speech about how the Democrats are only interested in pork-barrel projects, we can slaughter a whole pig during the speech on the platform behind you. If your speech is long enough we can even fire up the barbecue and hand out ribs to all the liberal journalists. Nothing wins votes like fresh barbecue, I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.

SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ASSURES SARAH THAT HE WILL “TAKE CARE” OF TODD

So I know you’re already married to this guy Todd. That’s cool. You gave him a shot at marriage and what I imagine was a holy-ghost inspired romp in the sack at least four and a half times. But I think he’s really had his chance. Don’t worry about him. I’ll take care of it the next time his snowmobile is in the shop. I’ve been reading up about snowmobile brake systems, and trust me, Todd won’t stand in our way much longer.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMPLIMENTS SARAH PALIN FOR LOOKING LIKE TINA FEY

So, Governor Palin. I have a HUGE CRUSH on Tina Fey. I have to admit this to you; I mean if we’re going to get married we should be honest about things like this right up front. I think Tina Fey is an amazingly beautiful, talented and funny woman. She is one of my “gold standards” of potential mate-hood. So what I’m saying is, it doesn’t hurt that you look a lot like her. You might not be Tina Fey, but you’re close. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH A SILVER MEDAL, MADAME VICE PRESIDENT... I MEAN GOVERNOR.

SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DISCUSSES THE NAMES OF ANY FUTURE CHILDREN HE MAY HAVE WITH GOVERNOR PALIN

I’ve noticed that you and Todd like to name children after single-engine aircraft. And while your relationship with Todd will have to end, I don’t see any reason why this tradition should! I think that for our four and a half children we should expand our horizons a bit more. Instead of just looking at single-engine prop aircraft for inspiration we should support our troops and take some keys from military aircraft as well. I have put together the following graphic with some helpful suggestions:

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR EXPRESSES HIS COMMON INTEREST WITH SARAH PALIN IN AUTOMATIC WEAPONRY AND SUGGESTS IT BE INTEGRATED INTO THEIR MARITAL BLISS

There might be some younger folks out there reading this so I don’t want to get into details. But the only thing I think that is more sexy than pillow talk about thermonuclear war is some foreplay and roleplay using automatic weapons. I know you get hot about this kind of thing too. Just look at what it could be like:

OH MY GOD THAT IS SO SEXY. I AM READY TO DRILL BABY DRILL.

SECTION EIGHT: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO SARAH FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

Now it’s your turn for a SUPER PERSONAL GIFT Governor. Sometimes I think people don’t really appreciate what they already have, and because of that I’ve picked out an extremely appropriate gift for you:

Yup, SNOW! I know you probably have a lot of it already…but can you ever have enough? Not really. Not if you’re still living in ALASKA!

SECTION NINE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO SARAH PALIN

Sarah, you are at a pivotal point in your career as a politician and as a hockey mom. You’ve taken some lumps and you might be down, but you are not out! All you need to do is to put your collar back on, smear on a new shade of lipstick, and get started with a brand new family built around a strapping young man like yours truly. For the good of yourself, the future C-17 Globemaster Palin, and the United States of America, you know how you have to answer the following question.

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

HILLARY CLINTON, LET'S GET MARRIED!

So more than a year and a little positive feedback from a stranger later, I've decided to get back on the horse (the one I, as the Italian Stallion, ride in a fit of metaphorical redundancy) and pick up the baton I unceremoniously dropped over a year ago.

You know, I think I was just so broken up about Alanis never getting back to me. That's right, even though I furnished 21 perfectly logical reasons we should be wed I never heard a peep. I even tried to friend her on Facebook, but I was met with deafening silence. Not since I sent my first message to that MySpace girl with her very own Webcam have I clicked the "refresh" button so furiously while staring at my Inbox.

But that's the past. And knowing Alanis like I do (or don't, seeing as how things turned out) it's time to move on once again.

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So after pining for the queen of disaffected teenage girls the world over for a year, who can I possibly move on to? Who has the beauty, charisma, the talent, the fame and the power to assuage the grief of my unrequited love? If you answered "Zooey Deschanel," you'd be right. But I can't do two female vocalists in a row.

In fact, there is one other candidate for my present affections. You could say she's the primary focus of my attention and there's nothing democratic about the process of my thoughts. So, Hillary Rodham Clinton, please marry me!

Dear Hillary,
I know you're busy trying to get pre-elected and loaning yourself millions of dollars. I can sympathize with that kind of schedule. But it's (hammer)time to stop and think for a few minutes about your situation.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR TRIES TO CONVINCE HILLARY THAT MARRYING SOMEONE WHO IS 1/3 HER AGE WILL HELP WIN OVER IMPORTANT DEMOGRAPHIC(S)

Maybe what your campaign needs is a fresh face. A face that is about 3 times more fresh than yours. Now, I've played the age card before, so I won't dwell on the age difference too much other than to say that if you want to recapture the youth vote, then marrying a strapping young guy in his mid 20s is probably the best way to get it! My also-young friend working in IT but who has a bachelor's degree in history agrees with me. I'm guessing he agrees, I didn't actually ask him.

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMMENDS HILLARY ON THE CONSTRUCTION OF HER DECK AND ASKS HER IF PLAYING THE RACE CARD MORE THAN ONCE IN AN ELECTION IS SANCTIONED BY WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Speaking of playing cards, I know you like to play the race card a lot.

That seems like a pretty powerful card, is it a rare? Did you have to buy a lot of booster packs to find so many copies? I thought you could only play it once per election, but maybe there are house (or Senate) rules I'm unaware of.

But anyway, it seems to be working really well. Maybe once we're married you can show me some of your killer strats! I'm interested in how to use the Elitist, Annie Oakley, Experience and Alcohol cards as well.

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES HIS ABILITY TO DODGE BULLETS

So it occurs to me that after we're married and you've become the first female president of the United States (for the second time) you're going to need to make sure that you have someone with you who can dodge bullets as well as you can. Trust me Hillary, I've never been hit by sniper fire in real life. I've never even had a sniper rifle pointed at me (that I know of!)

SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMPARES HIMSELF WITH HILLARY'S CURRENT HUSBAND WHAT'S-HIS-FACE

Yeah, I'm totally better than that guy. I think I remember what he looks like. Kinda tall? Gray hair? Doesn't he have something to do with the government? Not anymore? Well I work for the government too, you know I'm employed by a regional state university. I manage their whole Web site. I don't think whatever he's got going is or was better than that.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS HIS SERVICES AS A WEB DESIGNER TO HELP HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN

OH! So there's something I could totally help out with, FOR SERIOUS. I'm good at designing things, and art and stuff. I bet you could use my help with your campaign Web site. I'm not even kidding like I was about the bullets. That was just hyperbole. But really I am good at design.

So let's take a look at your site:

Hmm... It looks pretty OK, I guess. But you know, in my professional opinion, I don't think three CONTRIBUTE buttons are enough. I think the design principle of repetition will really serve your (our!) cause well here. Check out a quick comp I threw together:

So look at that. Now instead of only 3 places for people to give you money, there are 9! Nine buttons, that's like 3 times the number of CONTRIBUTE buttons you had before, and will at least triple, if not cube your campaign's income rate. Maybe if I had been around sooner you wouldn't have to keep giving yourself those loans, eh?

SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO HILLARY FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

So I've been thinking about what I can offer you. You're rich, successful, powerful, what does a woman like that need? What does a woman like that want?

Then it hit me: PIXIE STICKS. You've been having to deal with so many people who are so bitter about everything lately. OBVIOUSLY you would want to have some sweet sugary powder to perk you up when things get tough. So here you go. In fact, I've saved you the trouble of going through individual sticks and just dump the powder right on a table for you. Enjoy, and make sure you don't snort it.

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO HILLARY CLINTON

So being involved in politics you have to recognize a good idea when you see one, right Hillary? I don't know how you can turn down this virile, young, dynamic, creative, spry, tech-savvy young man who just wants to be the President of your heart. What say we take our love all the way to the nominating convention of the nuptial bedroom?

HILLARY CLINTON, WILL YOU MARRY ME?