This Italian Stallion has left your stable:
I'm pretty angry because rejection stings. I though the third time was the charm? Apparently that is a LIE! So naturally I now have a jaded and bitter view of most interpersonal relationships. I am now looking for someone with a similar view...which means my new soul mate is none other than Alanis Morissette!
Hey Alanis,
Let's tie the knot. I mean you've been voicing the romantic frustrations of self-actualized women for at least twelve years now and maybe it's time to settle down with a nice guy like me. This is what it could be like:
SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR REVEALS TRUE FACTS ABOUT HIS PAST WHICH ARE ANECDOTALLY RELATED TO ALANIS' HIT SONG "IRONIC."
Alanis, you might get a kick out of this piece of personal history. So in eighth grade I had a girlfriend for two weeks and your hit song "Ironic" was our relationship's anthem!
As to why that was, the truth of the matter is that I had liked her for a while and she told my friend "I think that Thomas likes me" and then she frowned a bit because I was a nice guy but in 8th grade I was kind of chubby. So she was afraid that she would hurt my feelings when she rejected me for Johnny Football.
But it worked out later because eventually she decided that she wanted a boyfriend more than she didn't want to me to be her boyfriend. Everybody won! We decided that it was ironic that she didn't like me but agreed to date me anyway, so we adopted your "Ironic" as "our" song! How we didn't anticipate this as a sign of doom I will never understand.
Of course, after two weeks we didn't really see each other much so it kind of fizzled out. There was no official break-up so I guess that we are still together, technically. But it's cool Alanis, I will officially break up with her for you!
SERIOUSLY, I just found her on Myspace and I can message her in seconds flat.
SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ADDRESSES HIS SUITABILITY FOR ALANIS BASED ON THE CRITERIA OUTLINED IN HER SONG "21 THINGS I WANT IN A LOVER"
- Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Yes, I do. Unless they are douchebags or prefer Pepsi to Coca-Cola products. - Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
No, in fact, I play by the rules and respect others. Of course there was that time I was mud-wrestling with some other counselors at camp. Uh, does that count? - Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?
Not to toot my own horn, (toot toot) but I think I am a relatively smart guy. But then I know a lot of people smarter and wiser than me and try to learn from them whenever possible. Like Kermit the frog. That brother is deep. - Do you see everything as an illusion?
I did for a while after The Matrix came out. But then the sequels came out and I decided that their philosophy was making the movies really crappy, so I moved on. - ...But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Uhm...yes? No? Whichever answer you like can go in this box. This test isn't timed, is it? Shit. - Are you both masculine and feminine...
I have man-parts but sometimes I sit down to pee. - ...Politically aware?
Yes! I watch The West Wing and listen to NPR all the time. PLUS sometimes I watch CSPAN accidentally. - And don't believe in capital punishment?
I don't! - Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
I would qualify falling in love as slightly better than eating a Snicker's Ice Cream bar. While you may think that I am trivilializing love, those who know me will tell you that, for me, eating a Snicker's Ice Cream bar is a very deep and spiritual experience. - Are you funny?
Mitch Hedberg funny...
or Crispin Glover funny?
Please clarify. - Self-deprecating?
No, I only do that in the toilet! - Like adventure?
Who doesn't? My favorite type of adventure is Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Close second is Adventures in Babysitting. - ...And have many formed opinions?
I have certainly formed the opinion that you and I should get freaking married! - Are you uninhibited in bed?
Well I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I know how to make your bed rock! Hahahaha...I've got a million of those. But seriously, the word on the street is that sex is neat. Word. - More than three times a week?
What about more than three times a day? Can you even handle it? - Up for being experimental?
Sure! Labs were the coolest part of Chemistry class. - Are you athletic?
I have several championship Foosball titles I earned many years ago, but I'm retired now. I still try to stay in shape so I can play a pick-up game now and then, but I'm proud of my career. - Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
Well I am an only child but if my hypothetical brother went to Southeast Missouri State University and used its Web site then the answer would be "Hell yes!" - Are you not addicted?
I am not addicted to anything...BUT YOUR LOVE! - Curious?
I would be very interested to know your opinion on this one. - Communicative?
I think I'm being pretty darn communicative by filling out this freaking survey! Do you make all of your potential soul-mates do this? GEEZ
So it seems to me that sometimes you get kind of down, and I thought that maybe this was because your diet was missing something...something sweet. So what could be better for that than this super-personal gift I am going to give you for marrying me?
Sugar! Or your artificial sweetener of choice. BECAUSE YOU ARE SO SWEET, ALANIS!
SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES TO ALANIS WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN HER CURRENT BOYFRIEND.
Actually...according to my sources you don't HAVE a current boyfriend. Hay, wait a second, that's just like my girlfriend from eighth grade! Could you be another victory by default?
SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO ALANIS.
Well Alanis, what can I say? On your list of "lover qualifications" I fit at least 19 of the 21. I'd say that's a pretty high score! Also, like the situation with my girlfriend in 8th grade you really don't have any other prospects at the moment... So I recommend that you laugh, you learn, and that we tie the knot!
ALANIS MORISSETTE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
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