HILLARY CLINTON, LET'S GET MARRIED!

So more than a year and a little positive feedback from a stranger later, I've decided to get back on the horse (the one I, as the Italian Stallion, ride in a fit of metaphorical redundancy) and pick up the baton I unceremoniously dropped over a year ago.

You know, I think I was just so broken up about Alanis never getting back to me. That's right, even though I furnished 21 perfectly logical reasons we should be wed I never heard a peep. I even tried to friend her on Facebook, but I was met with deafening silence. Not since I sent my first message to that MySpace girl with her very own Webcam have I clicked the "refresh" button so furiously while staring at my Inbox.

But that's the past. And knowing Alanis like I do (or don't, seeing as how things turned out) it's time to move on once again.

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So after pining for the queen of disaffected teenage girls the world over for a year, who can I possibly move on to? Who has the beauty, charisma, the talent, the fame and the power to assuage the grief of my unrequited love? If you answered "Zooey Deschanel," you'd be right. But I can't do two female vocalists in a row.

In fact, there is one other candidate for my present affections. You could say she's the primary focus of my attention and there's nothing democratic about the process of my thoughts. So, Hillary Rodham Clinton, please marry me!

Dear Hillary,
I know you're busy trying to get pre-elected and loaning yourself millions of dollars. I can sympathize with that kind of schedule. But it's (hammer)time to stop and think for a few minutes about your situation.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR TRIES TO CONVINCE HILLARY THAT MARRYING SOMEONE WHO IS 1/3 HER AGE WILL HELP WIN OVER IMPORTANT DEMOGRAPHIC(S)

Maybe what your campaign needs is a fresh face. A face that is about 3 times more fresh than yours. Now, I've played the age card before, so I won't dwell on the age difference too much other than to say that if you want to recapture the youth vote, then marrying a strapping young guy in his mid 20s is probably the best way to get it! My also-young friend working in IT but who has a bachelor's degree in history agrees with me. I'm guessing he agrees, I didn't actually ask him.

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMMENDS HILLARY ON THE CONSTRUCTION OF HER DECK AND ASKS HER IF PLAYING THE RACE CARD MORE THAN ONCE IN AN ELECTION IS SANCTIONED BY WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Speaking of playing cards, I know you like to play the race card a lot.

That seems like a pretty powerful card, is it a rare? Did you have to buy a lot of booster packs to find so many copies? I thought you could only play it once per election, but maybe there are house (or Senate) rules I'm unaware of.

But anyway, it seems to be working really well. Maybe once we're married you can show me some of your killer strats! I'm interested in how to use the Elitist, Annie Oakley, Experience and Alcohol cards as well.

SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES HIS ABILITY TO DODGE BULLETS

So it occurs to me that after we're married and you've become the first female president of the United States (for the second time) you're going to need to make sure that you have someone with you who can dodge bullets as well as you can. Trust me Hillary, I've never been hit by sniper fire in real life. I've never even had a sniper rifle pointed at me (that I know of!)

SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR COMPARES HIMSELF WITH HILLARY'S CURRENT HUSBAND WHAT'S-HIS-FACE

Yeah, I'm totally better than that guy. I think I remember what he looks like. Kinda tall? Gray hair? Doesn't he have something to do with the government? Not anymore? Well I work for the government too, you know I'm employed by a regional state university. I manage their whole Web site. I don't think whatever he's got going is or was better than that.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS HIS SERVICES AS A WEB DESIGNER TO HELP HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN

OH! So there's something I could totally help out with, FOR SERIOUS. I'm good at designing things, and art and stuff. I bet you could use my help with your campaign Web site. I'm not even kidding like I was about the bullets. That was just hyperbole. But really I am good at design.

So let's take a look at your site:

Hmm... It looks pretty OK, I guess. But you know, in my professional opinion, I don't think three CONTRIBUTE buttons are enough. I think the design principle of repetition will really serve your (our!) cause well here. Check out a quick comp I threw together:

So look at that. Now instead of only 3 places for people to give you money, there are 9! Nine buttons, that's like 3 times the number of CONTRIBUTE buttons you had before, and will at least triple, if not cube your campaign's income rate. Maybe if I had been around sooner you wouldn't have to keep giving yourself those loans, eh?

SECTION SIX: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO HILLARY FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

So I've been thinking about what I can offer you. You're rich, successful, powerful, what does a woman like that need? What does a woman like that want?

Then it hit me: PIXIE STICKS. You've been having to deal with so many people who are so bitter about everything lately. OBVIOUSLY you would want to have some sweet sugary powder to perk you up when things get tough. So here you go. In fact, I've saved you the trouble of going through individual sticks and just dump the powder right on a table for you. Enjoy, and make sure you don't snort it.

SECTION SEVEN: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO HILLARY CLINTON

So being involved in politics you have to recognize a good idea when you see one, right Hillary? I don't know how you can turn down this virile, young, dynamic, creative, spry, tech-savvy young man who just wants to be the President of your heart. What say we take our love all the way to the nominating convention of the nuptial bedroom?

HILLARY CLINTON, WILL YOU MARRY ME?