LINDSAY LOHAN, LET'S GET MARRIED!

Unfortunately, I haven't heard back from Maggie yet. There are, however, lots of proverbial fish left in the proverbial sea so it's time to move proverbially (word?) on. This week's installment is none other than OMG!HOTTIE!! Lindsay Lohan.

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Dear Lindsay,

Wow, I don't really know where to start. I AM SOOO NERVOUS! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule of drinking, drugs, and not showing up for work to read this letter.

I want to start out by saying that I am A HUGE FAN of how you (used to) look. The first time I noticed you was as the babe on the desktop of one of my friend's computers. And it went something like this:

HOT TIP: Click on the picture if you're a dude!

Now some might say that picture is of questionable taste, especially with the unidentified man-foot in the background. NOT ME LINDSAY! I respect you for taking a "liberated" view of life. Liberated from societal norms and expectations, liberated from a healthy diet and self image, and most importantly, liberated from personal responsibility! HECK YES you are awesome.

I respect you so much that I am going to list the ways in which you are more cool than your arch-rival for the affections of boy-band sensation Aaron Carter.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR LISTS THE WAYS THAT LINDSAY LOHAN IS MORE COOL THAN HILLARY DUFF.

1. The first way you are more cool than Hillary Duff is your last name. Lohan is a better last name than Duff because it has more syllables. WE DO NOT QUESTION MATH.
   
   
2. The second way you are more cool than Hillary is that you are not blond. Or rather, at you have probably not been blond more often than you have been blond. Not that I don't like blond girls, but red hair trumps blond hair in all the chauvinistic blond jokes I've ever heard.
   
   
3. Thirdly, you have starred in a movie based on an NPR radio show. Hillary Duff has not.
   
   
4. Finally, Hillary's middle name is "Erhard." Your middle name is "Dee". There have been no actors in any of the Star Wars movies with the middle name "Erhard."
   
   

SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR CLAIMS THAT HE LOVES LINDSAY "FOR HER BRAINS" J/K...LOL!


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS LINDSAY SOME COCAINE TO "HELP GET HER MIND OFF OF THINGS"

So I know that you've had some troubles in the past with alcohol and weight management.

The root of these troubles lie in the extreme amounts of unwanted pressure applied to you by the media and your legions of fans. I wouldn't worry, though. Pressure can turn shit into a diamond. Or it can just turn it in to more tightly packed shit.

But never you mind about all that because I am about to give you the solution to all your problems:

Cocaine! Consider it a super personal gift from me, the adoring suitor to you, his beloved future crack-fiend trophy wife.

It will help keep the weight down and will keep your mind off of your fans and the media because you'll be so crazy for the nose candy...it sounds like a WIN-WIN-WIN to me!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATTING THAN FOOT DUDE

So, Lindsay, the latest gossip says that you might be dating Jude Law. I am not interested in rumors, though. I only trade in facts. And facts are right now I'm looking at a picture of you in bed with a disembodied foot.

Are you really THAT weird? I mean, whatever floats your boat Lindsay, but I think that I am a better candidate than foot dude. The reason? Because there is more to me than just a foot!

Indeed, I have a whole body, including my appendix and tonsils. Foot dude doesn't even have thighs or a chest or a face! I have all of these things and more.

I will say that foot dude has a pretty nice left foot for a dude. His left foot might even be nicer than mine...but I have a right foot too! Working class citizens call that steal "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE."

Not convinced? Here's the photographic evidence with labels::

NOTE: My left arm transforms into a plasma cannon when evil robots are near. Also, I do have eyes, shins, and feet, even if they are not labeled in this photo.

SECTION FIVE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO LINDSAY

I realize all this information at once might be a little much for someone as "in demand" as you. Thusly, I have condensed my proposal down to a simple free-form haiku for your consideration:

Formerly hot babe
You escaped from rehab
Let us marry quick

I think that says all I need it to say...

So, please, LINDSAY LOHAN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, LET'S GET MARRIED!

Dear Maggie,
I first noticed you in the movie Stranger than Fiction. Well, OK, I'm pretty sure that's the only thing I've seen you in. But damn, what a good movie. And I'd say 67% of that goodness was because of you.

I liked you so much that now I'm going to convince you to marry me.

SECTION ONE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES GOOD THINGS ABOUT MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Looks
My friends and I divide girls into two categories. There are girls that are "cute" and girls that are "hot". Both are "attractive," just in different ways. The thing about you, Maggie, is that you have that je-ne-sais quoi that earns you a simultaneous classification under both categories.

Look at how hot you are: (and cute at the same time!)

Plus you've got the blue eyes/brown hair combo with the short cut that drives me wild. AWESOME.

Brains
It's cool that you got your degree in English from Columbia University. MAJOR PROPS FOR YOUR ENGLISH SKILLS, MAGGIE. You could tell me all about things like grammar and literature, if you remembered anything you learned before becoming famous.

Your IMDB article had some of your "personal quotes." I will trust that they are 100% accurate because the Internet in general is an extremely trustworthy place to learn things.

I liked this quote:

"It's my responsibility to see what we can move and change about these old-school feminist mantras."

I'm not really sure what it means. You can tell me after we make love on our wedding night.

But seriously, you sound like an intelligent and committed person...not "crazy" committed, like passionate. See, my English sucks and that's why we should get married; you can help me with that. And I can teach you how to design Web sites, which is a great fall back in case you tear an acting muscle or have to retire early for anabolic steroid use.


SECTION TWO: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR OFFERS A DOWRY TO MAGGIE FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE

Alright, call me old fashioned but I want to let you know that if we get married not only will you get a modest ring and be able to live off the impressive five-figure salary of a young graphic designer, and not only will you get to LIVE WITH THOMAS MARRONE for the rest of your life, but you will also get a special and super personal gift. I am pretty sure that you will like it.

It's flour! Just like Will Farrel's character got your character in Stranger than Fiction. I know that you are a lot like that character because great actors can only really play people like them, so I also know that you must have your own bakery. So here is some flour I ground for you myself. NO IT IS NOT A PICTURE OF COCAINE, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?


SECTION THREE: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN WHY HE IS A BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATING THAN MAGGIE'S CURRENT FIANCÉ

I'm sure that Peter Sarsgaard is a nice guy. He's from Belleville, IL, which is a hop, skip, and a jump from my own hometown. Neat!

Congratulations about your daughter, by the way. HEY! I've always wanted a daughter too! Awesome, if we get married YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BRING HER TO THE WEDDING!

But back to Peter. The thing with him, Maggie, is that he's like 6 years older than you. Incidentally, I happen to be six years younger than you.

CHECK OUT THE MATH ON THAT: According to the National Center for Health Statistics, women born around 1980 have an average life expectancy of 77.4 years. Men born close to 1970 (like Peter) are only expected to live to be 67.1 years old! So I hate to say it but it looks like Peter is going to die in the year 2038 and you aren't going to die until 2054! If you stick with Peter you have 16 years of mateless melancholy to look forward to. But with my average life expectancy of 70 years and later birth date of 1983, I won't die until 2053! So with me you'd only be alone for like one year. WHAT A STEAL!


SECTION FOUR: WHEREIN THE AUTHOR SUMS UP HIS POINTS AND FORMALLY PROPOSES TO MAGGIE

For convenience, let me recap: You should marry me because I think you're adorably smoking hot and probably pretty smart. Also, I will let you have some flour if we get married, and your kid can come too, if you can convince her to call me "Dad." I'm a lot younger than your fiancé Peter, which means we will be together longer before I die.

So, please, MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

PreProposals

Hello women and non-women! My name is Thomas and I've created this blog for a very noble purpose: To convince famous and beautiful women that I am their soul mate and/or gold-digging leech whom they will marry.

I use this space to post open marriage proposals to famous females, and the rules are that if she says yes, then I AM GETTING MARRIED!

Sorry, just had to do a fist pump for victory. Anyway, I am super excited about this, for sure.